Seeking the good of marriage

At the beginning of the year I wrote a short series of posts on friendship, intending to cover the topic more extensively than I ended up doing. However, I did promise to come back to the subject of marriage, and I think now is a good time for that. My doing so was inspired by reading these two, seemingly contrasting, articles: The Case for Early Marriage, by Mark Regnerus, and On Christian Singleness and Secular Sexuality, by Joi Weaver.

From the beginning the church has made place for both marriage and the single state, in many cases esteeming celibacy above ordinary marital relations, as Weaver indicates. Indeed virtually the entire Roman Catholic clergy is celibate and the upper echelons of the Orthodox clergy are as well. Since the 16th century, however, celibacy has generally not been favoured by evangelicals and in some cases it has been positively discouraged. Some are indeed called to a life of celibacy, but these will always be exceptional. The vast majority of God's image-bearers will marry and have children, a necessary reality of life if a given society is to survive from one generation to the next.

Sad to say, this diversity of callings with respect to marriage has come to be viewed by the larger society as a mere choice amongst alternative sexual lifestyles, of which so-called traditional marriage is only one. If we respect the person's right to choose, then it is expected that we will maintain a benign equal regard for every such choice. It is a small step beyond this to the assumption that we have the right to redefine marriage itself, an action taken by a number of jurisdictions, including Canada, in recent years.


However, if marriage is an institution, possessing its own nature and whose contours are set, not by the marrying couple, but by God himself, then we must necessarily take a fundamentally different attitude towards it. I myself am only two generations removed from arranged marriage, as my paternal grandparents were betrothed to each other at the initiative of my grandmother's older brother, who had become responsible for his younger siblings after their parents died. Although I am not in favour of reviving this custom, I have sometimes wondered whether arranged marriage does not better communicate its true nature than the more recent love match. Some 40 years ago popular musician Sergio Mendes put this lyric into his cheerful song, Pretty World: "We'll hang a little sign that just says, 'Paradise, Population two.'" Yet real marriage is not just the private preserve of two people; it occurs within the context of community and, given the intrinsic fertility of the marital act, it has the potential to create community as well.

Is marriage itself a community that needs to be nurtured by husband and wife, as well as by the neighbouring communities of extended family, church, state, workplace and so forth? Is marriage more than the sum of two persons? Though the larger society may have lost sight of this, it is nevertheless true. This is the clear teaching of scripture as well, from Genesis 2:24 to Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7-8, 1 Corinthians 6:16 and Ephesians 5:31. In marriage husband and wife become one flesh.

And what of the age of marriage? Is it better to marry young or to wait until one is better established and more mature? There is no single right answer to this. I myself married late, while my sister married at just under 21 years of age. There is something to be said for both paths into matrimony. However, it now seems to me, despite my own example, that the bulk of the arguments fall on the side of young marriage, albeit not too young. Late marriers have fewer children, due to decreasing levels of fertility, possible health complications and the simple fatigue that comes with age. Too many people taking this path will result in a below-replacement birthrate, which is unsustainable over the long term. That's the negative reason. A positive reason is that, when a man and a woman marry young, because they are still finding their way into adulthood, they are more likely to grow into it together, shaping each other's attitudes, values and commitments as they do so. They are better able to realize the "one flesh" union spiritually than those who have already lived much of their adult lives single, with attitudes already well-formed and commitments in place.

There are, of course, exceptions to this. Yet whichever path is taken, we must remind ourselves that marriage is not just another lifestyle choice. Nurturing marriage is hard work. Giving ourselves unreservedly to another is not easy, especially in the context of a society that glorifies personal autonomy and independence. Yet this is exactly what we must do if we are to seek and achieve the good of our marriages.

Mature friendships

One of the things I emphasized in my last two posts on the subject is that mobility works against the maintenance of friendship over the long term. With people moving from place to place to follow jobs and promotions, it is rare these days to enjoy lifelong friends. I myself fall into that class of overeducated professionals whose career aspirations have taken them far from their birthplace. Employment in higher education seems to condemn one to living wherever one can work productively. Otherwise one risks un- or at least underemployment. From ages 18 to 32 I moved as I followed educational opportunities, initially to the Twin Cities of Minnesota, then to Toronto, then to South Bend, Indiana, and finally to Hamilton, where I have lived for nearly 22 years. During those years of studying I came to hate moving and having to say goodbye to people whom I had grown to love. I hated being a transient and feeling that I had no place to call home.

Some people are transients their whole lives. Pastors and priests, for example, never stay in one congregation or parish for very long, accepting a call elsewhere after a few years. For this reason and more, parish ministry is not an occupation that I would want to have. Even in my profession, academics often move from one institution to another, sometimes staying at one for only a year or so as a visiting professor. My more than two decades at Redeemer is certainly testimony to my aversion to moving. I've even lived in the same house for 18 years.

I could continue in this vein in my current post, but I think it is best for our purposes to assume that the mature adult is living in a place he or she can call home for the long term. How do friendships develop in this context? Are they different from the friendships formed in childhood or youth? There is, of course, always the possibility that a single friendship has matured through these three stages. If so, then it is not unreasonable to assume that it will deepen if the two lives are being lived in more or less parallel fashion. Two women graduate from school at the same time or perhaps a year or two apart. They marry at the same stage of life and begin raising families. Their children will perhaps become each other's playmates and friends. Their husbands may form their own friendship, possibly around shared interests, such as work, hobbies or sports. The wives compare notes on raising children, or the trials of marriage, or employment-related issues.

For our purposes here, it will suffice to note that mature friendships take on different forms, distinguished according to the various settings in which we find ourselves. My next post will explore marital friendship, that is, the friendship between husband and wife, which is, of course, rooted in a previous relationship developed in the course of courtship or dating.

Youthful friendships

Adolescence is variously defined as the time between puberty and adulthood. When does adulthood begin? Legally it begins at age 18 in many countries, but some observers hold that adolescence only ends around age 25 and perhaps even beyond. Within this period the young person makes decisions as to the course of the rest of his or her life. It is a time of increasingly taking on adult responsibilities, choosing a marriage partner, a career path and beginning a family. For our purposes here, it is also a time for either continuing and deepening current friendships or making new friends.

Because early adolescence lies four decades in the past for me, I have little now to say about this period in life, crucial though it may be. But look me up in another two or three years, as our daughter reaches this stage, and I may have more to contribute. Late adolescence is quite another thing, because I have been a teacher of this age group for more than 20 years. I have seen friendships formed among university undergraduates, many, but not all, of which endure for years thereafter.

My own undergraduate years were life-changing, no doubt about it. Some of it had to do with what I was learning in the classroom. Because I was at a liberal arts university, I was taking courses in a variety of subjects, and for the first time I was seeing the interconnections between, say, religion, philosophy, ethics and psychology. This happened my very first semester. Because this was a christian university, I was confronted with the Source of this coherence among the academic disciplines. This was a revelation to me, and I was excited by what I was learning.

But much of what I was going through had to do with the friendships I was forming at the time. I had mostly disliked the social world of high school, with its cliques and pecking order. But university was much different. True, I still spent most of my time with people in the same age range as myself, but the maturity level made all the difference. I met serious-minded young people who genuinely desired to live for Christ and were enthusiastic about their studies. We were all away from home for the first time in our lives and possibly more teachable and open to friendships than at any other time before or after.

This is a time when young people experiment with their own identities, trying on one for a time and then removing it to assume another. At the outset I gravitated towards an anabaptist approach, under the influence of some of my professors, John Howard Yoder's books, and what would shortly become Sojourners magazine. I've written of these changes in thinking before in this space. What is significant for my purposes here is that, perhaps for the first time in my life, I found myself part of a burgeoning community of peers revolving around, not only a common faith, but a commitment to social justice. I had decided to switch my major from music to political science, adding history and economics as minors. I found this new camaraderie an exhilarating experience.

One friend, Doug, with whom I am still in contact, introduced me to the writings of Abraham Kuyper and Herman Dooyeweerd — names that were unfamiliar to me at the time, but whose ideas resonated with my Reformed upbringing. Remarkably, Doug turned out to have more of an influence on me than all of my professors put together. I acknowledge this influence in the preface to my book. I almost certainly would not be doing what I do now if it had not been for our friendship.

Many, if not most, friendships revolve around shared passions. This may be more pronounced in youth than at any other time of life. I've seen this phenomenon again and again during my years at Redeemer. Young people have an infectious enthusiasm that inevitably draws to them others sharing it. As a teacher I have had the privilege of seeing friendships formed among my own students, who go on to collaborate on common projects, such as student government, organizing or attending a conference together, taking a trip to Ottawa or Queen's Park, or even singing together in the choir! I myself have not exactly been a direct catalyst for these friendships, but I do see "buddies" (Australian: "mates") sitting together in class or having lunch in the cafeteria or even rooming together in the residences or off campus. Of course, some friendships do not survive this living at close quarters, but those that do are likely to strengthen with time.

I love seeing the developing camaraderie among my own students, and I often feel that I am part of this. I will be writing later about mentor-protégé relationships, which mean much to me and on which I have reflected at length over the decades.

Back to my own undergraduate experience. At the end of that crucial academic year, this new-found camaraderie came to a sudden end, as most of the group graduated, leaving me with another two years to go. Admittedly, this left me feeling somewhat at loose ends, and I experienced the absence of these friends as a loss. This was the first sign I had of what might be called the tragic element of adolescent friendships. The easy camaraderie is a hallmark of youth, and it can no more last for ever than youth itself. Undergraduate students in particular feel free to drop by and visit someone down the hall or in a neighbouring dorm with little or no notice. Friendship is casual at this stage, and close friends can spend hours with each other as often as every day, if they so choose.

But this must inevitably give way to a more structured life, with varied responsibilities. Marriage and family, which place constraints on the old friendships. The 9 to 5 job. The mortgage. Community and neighbourhood activities. Moving to another city, after which the friendship may tend to fade. More demands are made on our time from more than one direction. The friendships of youth may not survive this transition, or they may endure mostly as memories, possibly to be taken up again briefly at reunions and similar events.

Yet, as with childhood friendships, it may be that, as young people stand at the threshold of adulthood, they need to think already of the future of the friendships they are forming. Of course, many will not endure past graduation, and there is nothing intrinsically amiss in that. We are, after all, limited creatures with a limited affective capacity. We simply cannot remain close to everyone who passes in and out of our lives. Nevertheless, there are always people whose friendships are life-changing for us and for them. These are gifts of God to be cherished for the long term. That maintaining such friendships takes considerable effort nearly goes without saying, but it is an effort that will be rewarded over the long term.

Childhood friends

When I was around 6 years old, I had a friend, whom I'll call Billy, who lived round the corner from us. He was in my elementary school class, and I saw him virtually every day. We would play at each other's homes, and I recall our walking one day to the Sunnyside Market, which was several blocks from our street. This was a big deal for us, because we were still quite small and our mothers naturally feared for our safety. But this minor adventure was something of a bonding experience for us.

Our friendship seems to have faded after he came over to my house one day to tell my mother that I had said a bad word ("damn") during gym class. He made sure I was in my room before he told her, but I could hear him through the closed door all the same. Not only did my mother not get angry with me later; she didn't even mention it, much to my relief. In any event, Billy and I were not quite as close after that episode.

I had other friendships as a boy, but the one thing that stands out about these is that not one of them lasted even into adolescence, much less adulthood. We moved out of that neighbourhood when I was 13, leaving behind an entire community that I had grown up in. In the context of North America, I doubt that I am unusual in this. While I was privileged to grow up in one town, many have moved from one city to another throughout their growing-up years, thus making it difficult for them to nurture friendships at all.

Two years ago, I read Marilyn Robinson's prize-winning novel, Gilead, and wrote of the experience here:

[A]lthough I have never lived in a small town, I was taken with the setting and the relationships nurtured by it. Imagine living in one place one's whole life and enjoying the proximity of lifelong friendships. In a mobile society friendships are generally cultivated for a time and then have to be maintained in attenuated form over a distance as someone moves away. (I have never entirely reconciled myself to this fact of contemporary life.) But [John] Ames and old Boughton — best friends from childhood — grow old together and seemingly face death at nearly the same moment.

Mobility is definitely an obstacle to long term friendships. But there are other, less context-driven factors, such as different paces of maturation. Because they are children, two friends will connect with each other in, well, childish ways. They toss a football back and forth, play hide-and-seek or tag, or build a snow fort together. Little girls may play dolls, while boys may play cops and robbers. In-depth conversations about personal struggles are unlikely, except perhaps in the form of superficial complaints about parents or teachers. The distance between, say, grades 3 and 4 seems vast at that age. Those only a year younger seem to us hopelessly immature, while those a year older look by comparison to be suave and sophisticated.

Even those of the same age may grow apart simply because one of them is growing up more quickly. Two girls happily playing with barbies only a few months earlier may drift away from each other as one suddenly becomes more aware than the other of how endlessly fascinating are the boys they have shunned so recently. The less mature girl can't understand what the fuss is all about, and it's enough to make both seek company elsewhere.

However, that in itself need not curtail the maintenance a lifelong friendship. There is something powerful that binds us to the land where we grew up, even after we leave. Most forms of patriotism depend on this bond, and it is not unusual for a national anthem to extol something of the homeland's unique topography. It has been said that true patriotism can only be local, and I'm inclined to agree. Certainly Robert E. Lee well understood this as he was weighing military commissions offered by both Union and Confederacy in the opening days of the American Civil War. In so far as childhood friends are shaped by the land of their birth, they continue to share something profound that could conceivably last a lifetime, given supportive circumstances. Having once collaborated in building a treehouse in a familiar nearby forest makes for a lasting relationship that may deepen with maturity.

Yet I fear this is exceptional for those of us who have grown up in one place and now live in another. It is difficult personally for me to imagine having a lifelong friend, because this has not been part of my experience. One of my closest friends here in Hamilton I have known for 30 years, which is in fact the major part of my life thus far. But there is more than a decade between us. Furthermore, we both grew up in different countries and cannot claim to share the love of a common homeland.

As a father, I look at my daughter and the friendships she has formed. In kindergarten and grade 1 these were fairly simple in nature, and she and her friends revelled in each other's companionship. As they grow older, however, these have become more complicated for a variety of reasons. Given that we are far from family on both sides and that she is an only child, we are naturally concerned that she should have stable friendships that, we hope, will endure into adulthood. Yet, if our own experience is any indication, the odds are against this.

It may be that our communities need to be more intentional about fostering such friendships among our children. Perhaps we need to think more deeply about this and discuss it within our families, neighbourhoods and churches. Friendship and community are not the same thing, and there seems to be a paradoxical relationship between the two. Friendship is the basis for community, as Aristotle already understood more than two millennia ago. But it is also true that community nurtures friendship, as we are more likely than not to choose our friends from among the members of the communities of which we are part. Thus the health of our friendships and of our communities is very much interconnected. Building and strengthening community facilitates the nurturing of friendship and, I'm inclined to think, vice versa.

Next: Youthful friendship.

Thoughts on friendship

Friendship is one of those things that we tend to take for granted. When we do think about it, we may be tempted to follow the greeting card companies and sentimentalize it, which effectively cheapens it. Nevertheless, friendship is something we are created for. Indeed we could hardly live without it. Friends are not an add-on to life; they are central to what it means to live as fully human creatures, communing with our fellow image-bearers of God.

Over the coming weeks I will be posting a series on friendship, possibly as a precursor to writing something more lengthy and in depth on the subject. At present I envision an outline of my thoughts running something along these lines:

The stages of friendship, including: childhood, youth and adulthood. Each successive stage may represent a deepening of friendship, though this is not necessarily the case. In a highly mobile society, such as exists in North America and much of the western world, the nurturing of friendships is not necessarily for life.

Forms of friendship, according to the pluriformity of society, including: marital, collegial, mentor/protégé, familial and political/civic. Friendship in each of these settings appropriately takes different forms.

Levels of friendship. The typical North American claims to have numerous friends — far more than any ordinary person could reasonably be expected to cultivate in a limited lifespan within a geographically circumscribed homeland. This raises the issue of degrees of friendship. Some of our friends are simply closer to us than others. There is nothing amiss in this, given our created limitations.

Friendship with God. Is friendship with God possible? If so, is our friendship with him different in kind or in degree from our human friendships? I hope to address these questions in this last section.

As I proceed to write, it is possible that I will alter this outline, perhaps adding categories or addressing different issues than I have here. If any of my readers thinks of a topic I should explore, I am certainly open to suggestions. My next posting on this topic will come shortly after the beginning of the new year.